Wednesday, November 14, 2012

hole-y buckets!

Yesterday was one of those days that won't soon be forgotten :(

I had an appointment for my first mammogram.
Now I'm sure, for some of you, just that is too much information.
And though the remaining of this post has nothing to do with the actual appointment itself, feel free to read the next line, close the blog window and proceed on with your lives ;)
I am perfectly healthy :)
The core of this post really has to do with the fact that our daughter with a traumic past, knew I had such an appointment in the first place...

Can I just say that "ANXIETY" doesn't even come close to naming what was felt & displayed yesterday!
Oh, there was plenty of it but it was accompanied with so much more raw emotion.
Leaving us an unfortunate day for the history books of our lives.

My first mistake was letting our youngest daughter hear me make an appointmen,t which included a free breast cancer screening.

My second mistake was being too vague about the appointment - leaving T's big bad imagination to run away with her, and I mean really run away! :(

A simple, "Mom's okay" did not suffice for our daughter who has known so much loss,
including through sickness & death.

In a very short amount of time, T was convinced, I had lied about being okay, if I wasn't dying of breast cancer now, I eventually would - resulting in her losing 2 moms.
"And that would be very bad!"

Not to mention a belief that her being bad & unkind was somehow be to blame for all the sadness & injustices in her world.

Our day was a downward spiral of ANXIETY, FEAR, DOUBTS, GRIEF, & PAIN.

Buckets of the emotions were "dumped" out,
leaving us completely & utterely soaked & weighed down!


But in the midst of it all, I wanted to record the glimpse of
HOPE that showed up.  To always remember the nuggets of progress that were given a voice yesterday...

For T "lossing" is a reality.
It's caused a need to push away anyone she begins to feel close to.

+ #1: She pushes me away with the greatest force - indictating positive feelings toward me.
wouldn't you agree?
Yesterday she expressed not wanting to lose another mom & telling me, even though she tells me everyday she hates me, she really does love me :)
* She said she loves me and her birth mother, her birth mother a little more but she does love me.
And I'll take it!

+ #2: I was able to use the days events to tell her again, nothing she has ever done or will do has caused her losses to happen.

+ #3: A realization, I am taking care of her, and have not left her to her own vices - like she's once known. She compared how things use to be in Africa and how she's beginning to see them now.

Now I know this is not something she'll claim forever or even admit again anytime soon.
In fact it only took a matter of a few minutes before she was she was using her arsenal of insults.

 but I'll take the snippet of hope I've been given.


+ #4: A reenforced knowledge to when ever possible to make appointments out of ear shot of a little girl who can blow the simplest thing out of proporation. And when said child is in the know of some kind of appointment - lots of reassuring details can not be too many!

*Though I am sure, much like my daughter, I'll find myself mindlessly slipping back into this habit. Reality will remind me of it's neccisity once again. :)

 So even though the day started with a HOLE-Y bucket of emotions, I thank God for the ability to find his blessings in the muck of anxiety, fear, doubt & shame!

God is good all the time!