hole-y buckets!

Yesterday was one of those days that won't soon be forgotten :(

I had an appointment for my first mammogram.

Now I'm sure, for some of you, just that is too much information.

And though the remaining of this post has nothing to do with the actual appointment itself, feel free to read the next line, close the blog window and proceed on with your lives ;)

I am perfectly healthy :)

The core of this post really has to do with the fact that our daughter with a traumic past, knew I had such an appointment in the first place...



Can I just say that "ANXIETY" doesn't even come close to naming what was felt & displayed yesterday!

Oh, there was plenty of it but it was accompanied with so much more raw emotion.

Leaving us an unfortunate day for the history books of our lives.





My first mistake was letting our youngest daughter hear me make an appointmen,t which included a free breast cancer screening.

My second mistake was being too vague about the appointment - leaving T's big bad imagination to run away with her, and I mean really run away! :(

A simple, "Mom's okay" did not suffice for our daughter who has known so much loss,

including through sickness & death.

In a very short amount of time, T was convinced, I had lied about being okay, if I wasn't dying of breast cancer now, I eventually would - resulting in her losing 2 moms.

"And that would be very bad!"

Not to mention a belief that her being bad & unkind was somehow be to blame for all the sadness & injustices in her world.

Our day was a downward spiral of ANXIETY, FEAR, DOUBTS, GRIEF, & PAIN.

Buckets of the emotions were "dumped" out,

leaving us completely & utterely soaked & weighed down!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

But in the midst of it all, I wanted to record the glimpse of

HOPE that showed up.  To always remember the nuggets of progress that were given a voice yesterday...

For T "lossing" is a reality.

It's caused a need to push away anyone she begins to feel close to.

+ #1: She pushes me away with the greatest force - indictating positive feelings toward me.

wouldn't you agree?

Yesterday she expressed not wanting to lose another mom & telling me, even though she tells me everyday she hates me, she really does love me :)

* She said she loves me and her birth mother, her birth mother a little more but she does love me.

And I'll take it!

-----------------

+ #2: I was able to use the days events to tell her again, nothing she has ever done or will do has caused her losses to happen.

---------------

+ #3: A realization, I am taking care of her, and have not left her to her own vices - like she's once known. She compared how things use to be in Africa and how she's beginning to see them now.

Now I know this is not something she'll claim forever or even admit again anytime soon.

In fact it only took a matter of a few minutes before she was she was using her arsenal of insults.

 but I'll take the snippet of hope I've been given.

---------------

+ #4: A reenforced knowledge to when ever possible to make appointments out of ear shot of a little girl who can blow the simplest thing out of proporation. And when said child is in the know of some kind of appointment - lots of reassuring details can not be too many!

*Though I am sure, much like my daughter, I'll find myself mindlessly slipping back into this habit. Reality will remind me of it's neccisity once again. :)

 So even though the day started with a HOLE-Y bucket of emotions, I thank God for the ability to find his blessings in the muck of anxiety, fear, doubt & shame!

God is good all the time!

#21

Michlyn just finished up her first varsity volleyball season with the Pact Panthers!

They did FANTASTIC!

I had the opportunity of watch just 3 games, 2 of which they dominated :)

But dad took in every home game, as well as a couple away games - he loves cheering his kids on!

Michlyn played team lebaro and rocked the position!

They played their final sectional game last night & Michlyn came home excited to report she got her first "tick tick boom" ... they didn't win but definitely finished with a BANG!

We're so proud of you!!!

"21 is lots of fun!"



Proud!

He did it again!!!

Our J was voted September's  "Student of the Month" by his classmates!

He encourages others in learning.

Is trustworthy and reliable.

Is respectful and shows concern for others.

It is such a wonderful feeling to know others see the good and kind in your kids!

We've known all along what an awesome kid "J" and thank God for the blessing of being his family!

Way to Go Buddy!

We're so PROUD of who you are!

Love you

xoxo



Catching Up in this Fall Season

It's been almost a month since I last posted. Goodness gracious, how can that be?? August quickly finished it self off, and September came in full force! This post is going to basically be a giant catching up post... Here we go!

We started back to school bright and early on August 27th. We are all going back to our small Charter school, except for 'T' who is being home schooled.

I ('M') am a sophmore in high school this year. I've been loving it so far, and my favorite subject is Biology! I enjoy seeing my friends, getting to know my new teachers, and of course I do learn things! :) I started playing volleyball again this year! I started playing for my first year at school this time. I started on JV, but was just bumped up to Varsity. It's been very exciting, and I just love the girls! This year has been busy so far, but very fun and exciting!

'E' started her first year of high school this year! I know... ca-ra-zay! She got together with many of her friends this summer, but was also very excited to start school again. Besides getting up early, she loves school. She has always been our most creative one, so she loves her art class. 'E' is also our only girl soccer star, and is playing varsity soccer for school. Their team has been learning together this year, and just won their first game! She is always telling funny stories from her day, and keeps us laughing.

The boys are also back into the swing of things. 'J' started 4th grade this year.  He is always a little nervous on the first day of school, but did so well. He was excited to see the kids in his class again, and he really likes his teacher. 'S' started 1st grade...what?! Our little man isn't going to be so little anymore. He has a locker for the first time this year, and he actually gets to do homework. Both of them can get distracted while doing their homework, but they're doing great. They have already learned so much!

'T' is being home schooled again this year. I did a post a while ago on "Table Time". This is something she does mostly all day everyday. Since she has gone through so much trauma and is still having attachment issues, it is best she is at home with mom. Table Time is something that is predictable for her. She can color, do worksheets, she has beads, legos, and sometimes polly pockets. It a way that will help build her trust with us, and keep her world simple. So her every morning routine is the same, and my mom keeps up with her and best as possible - So she's in charge, and not 'T'. As she learns to be a kid again, and to slowly trust us with her everyday needs... It strengthens bonding & attachment. (I will do an "achievement" post on her soon) She also goes outside a couple times a day, and enjoys the fresh air. The routine is definitely different, but we do what is best for the whole family's needs.

The weather has been getting pretty cold already... Actually turned the heat on in the house for the first time today. Most of us LOVE Fall though! The colors, bonfires, and crisp air. And thought I'd end with a picture I recently took. :)

Happy Fall everyone! 

~Michlyn

I ♥ You

'J' made this for my mom.

Out of legos.

Found all the pieces, just to make a little creation for her.

To brighten her day...just because he wanted to.

So sweet. ♥

Blessings,

~Michlyn

You're not Livin' it

We are a family that always makes time for each other. We hang out at home and have fun. Like playing outside in the yard, cleaning the house together, playing games, or watching a family movie. Family & faith come first. Before & during our adoption journey we regularly attended church small groups, barbecues, and family reunions.

People who have gone through or are going through the adoption process, know that it is hard. Of course not all of it is. But between the paperwork, fingerprinting, approvals, fees, physicals, home-visits, etc... it can get pretty stressful. Many people were with us every step of the way, supporting and praying for us. My parents traveled to Ethiopia for 9 days, and came home with a little miracle that changed our whole world.

'T' had a broken heart, and had gone through so many changes in her life. While the first 6 months or so were pretty good, it just kept getting harder and harder. My mom especially felt defeated. It is hard to try and be the best mom you can be, when a little girl is fighting right back at you. When she does things just to bother you, says some ugly stuff, and some days won't let you help her at all. Now, some of you are probably thinking "All kids do that stuff. They talk back and they disobey." Oh I know people! I was no perfect 6 yr old either... but most of this stuff is adoption related.

I've never seen a little child want something so bad. To be in control, and take care of herself. We don't expect people understand, because they're not livin' it. After a little chat with my dad last night, he made me think about some things. Now, we've all struggled with this big adjustment, but my dad has probably has a little more.

He said, "It just makes me so frustrated! I hate how offended people get when we say we can't go somewhere. Because it's the truth. You try bringing a child home from around the world, and see if it's easy. We just can't. If people payed attention, they would remember that before we brought 'T' home we always went to small group, and get togethers. They just don't understand, and get mad at us. Until you're livin' it, you have no right to judge us on the way we're running our family right now. We make these choices so we know that we're helping all of our children."

That's the truth people. We don't say no just to bother you. We say no, because God called us on this amazing & stretching journey. We brought a child home from the other side of the world, so we could help her grow and learn, and to feel the love of a family. All of that doesn't happen in a snap of your fingers. God has a plan, and is the only one who knows the future. So until then, we'll be right here with our crazy ole' family that might just drive you nuts. That's ok with us though... because you're not livin' it. We are.

In Christ,
~Michlyn

I just want to thank the Lord for amazing friends that have stuck with us, and that we have met along this journey! You have no idea, what a blessing you are to our family. I also want to thank Jesus for my incredible parents, who show me what strength and obedience are every. single. day. :)

Wednesday Winner!

E's Summer soccer season ended the second week of July.

The girls had a great season, placing 1st and 2nd in two of their tournaments :)

They were a blast to watch & cheer for all Summer long!

E's an extraordinary player, excelling in defense & mid field positions.

She's got a boot on her and makes those far flying kicks look effortless!

I was present when E scored from a free kick, just up from the mid-line.

Your Rock, E!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

This week is the official start of Fall soccer for E,

though she's been attending captian's practices whenever possible since June.

It's bound to be a growing year, giving her adequate chance to stretch and even lead on this team.

The school is forming a team on their own this year,

no longer joining together with another school.

We're looking forward to cheering them on

and watching the season expand our girls in new and exciting ways.

Go Pact Panther's!!!!

Go E!