Wednesday, March 28, 2012

a love letter.

Dear Family & Friends,

Someone recently shared with us some questions & concerns regarding the attachment methods we use with Tarekech. We don't want to go into lots of specifics nor do we want to become defensive. However, we would like to close the gap, even a little, between your perception and our true intentions, prayers & hopes for our precious daughter.

As it's always been the case, we parent EACH of our children with their unique needs in mind.
And Tarekech has experienced unfathomable grief & loss! Our daughter, born on the other side of the world, did NOT deserve to know hunger, sickness, & heartbreak like she has! She lost her birth country, culture and language; everything & everyone she ever knew and loved, all before the age of five! Imagine just a fraction of these losses for yourself or your child, and the heart ache seems too great for anyone to bear.

Because of her past traumas, Tarekech's needs are VERY DIFFERENT! Very Different from our other children, your children, grandchildren or the neighbors children.
In the same way, parenting Tarekech also needs to be different, very different. It is our love for Tarekech that gives us strength to provide for her in non-traditional ways. It's getting a glimpse of our sovereign Lord move mountain’s to bring our family together. It's trusting in His perfect plans and purposes for all our lives. It is holding to the promise that He works all things for good [Romans 8:28] that makes turning our world upside down to effectively love our daughter worth every bit of our chaotic & changed life. It's letting God transform our whole family and allowing Him to love Tarekech through us.

We don't expect you to fully understand. From our own experience, we know this is not something any one can truly grasp until they walked a mile in these shoes. We know life doesn't look like you might have expected it to when we joyfully grew our family through the miracle of adoption. After much time & energy invested in preparing for the special needs a hurt child could bring, it's different from what even we expected or planned for. We know!

Our first goal for Tareh Jo is to give her a "one and only"... to allow her to depend not on herself but to trust in the care of her mom and dad. Studies indicate it can take twice the amount of time you were separate from one another before a child begins to be accepting of a “one and only”.
To do this, it's important that we (her mom & dad) meet all her needs. Tareh Jo's hurts run deep, but we are willing to do whatever it takes for however long it takes!
You can help by showing Tareh you support us (her mom & dad) and trust us to take care of her. We also ask that you avoid physical touch with Tareh - If you must pat, squeeze or shake, please, do so with us (her mom & dad), we will pass it on when the time is right. :D Even addressing your questions for Tareh toward us (her mom & dad), will help relieve some of the anxiety & pressure she feels to answer in a way she thinks you want her to.

Again we realize that much of what we're asking from you is the opposite of how we normally respond to children & other young people... But just as Tareh's needs are DIFFERENT so your interaction with her needs to be also. If you’re unsure what is helpful or not, don't hesitate to ask. We'll do our best to communicate our needs at the time.

We thank you for all you have done and continue to do to encourage and support our family. Please continue to uphold us in your prayers. Pray for healing for our little girl’s heart with us. And believe that DJ and I are the same two people who have always desired to be the best [parents] we can be. We don't take this responsibility lightly. We are working with (post)adoption professionals as well as spending time with other families going through similar trials. And most importantly we are leaning more on our God & His love for us than ever before ... We believe He will use every part of our journey for His glory!

Love in Christ,

DJ & Becky Fisher and family

"We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2-5


The dB family said...

Beautifully written! It's interesting because I'm finding the there are even people who have gone through the adoption journey to expect certain things of our children. Their journey is so different from ours -- just as yours is different from ours. It just might be time for me to write a letter soon and post it too. Attachment with younger vs. older children is oh so very different. Know that we continue to lift you in our prayers!

Blessings and hugs!

Becky said...

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Deborah!!! Thank you for your sweet support and even more for your prayers... It means much more than you may ever know. :)
I pray for you and your family as well. I will pray for the words to graciosly communicate your desires & needs if the time comes to write a letter of your own.

Blessings to you my friend,